


Dresses and stuff

by Madelite



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Accidental Groping, Aka me, And james i am so sorry you had to apologize, Anxiety, Anyway sorry for using the tags like a diary, Bipolar Disorder, Body Image, Btw so pls don't hate on like Carlos or whoever, But he has thoughts on dresses too, But i feel it would be rude to james, But i wish i had someone who would understand, But just be careful, But that means the mental illnesses I'm tagging aren't like official, Camille i thought you would understand, Crossdressing, Disassociation, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, For chapter 3 idk what trigger warnings to put, Gender Issues, I understand why you jumped the gun, I will feel bad, I'm just guessing, If you feel any additional warning tags are needed, Internalized Transphobia, It's not your fault but i am giving myself permission to feel, James is cis, Kinda, Like worst fear come to life for logan, Misgendering, Okay so I'm projecting again, Please leave a comment, There is someone i want to tell, There's uh, This is total projecting, Trans Character, Wearing dresses can be a boy thing too, Yeah that's the term, and Carlos, but even then, but it's not my fault, i mean not really - Freeform, it's just, no surprise there, this can possibly be triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-09-26 02:37:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17133455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madelite/pseuds/Madelite
Summary: Basically a mixture of projecting and venting





	1. Chapter 1

Logan felt uncomfortable. He was dressed like a woman and James was singing to him.

The clothes didn’t make him uncomfortable (he/him wasn’t quite right, but it was comfortable). James singing to him wasn’t a problem either. Individually none of these things were wrong, in fact, they were perfect.

But together they were just wrong.

First off, James wasn’t singing to Logan. He was singing to Logan pretending to be a random girl.

Logan wasn’t being viewed as “Logan the girl”, he was being viewed as “Logan pretending to be a girl”.

That’s why he was uncomfortable. That’s why he couldn’t wait to change.

The wig was scratchy, his chest was much too heavy and he was being viewed as an impostor.

James singing to him but not TO him, being a girl but not BEING a girl, it was nearly right but oh so wrong.

To distract himself, he remembered the first time he'd worn a dress.

It was to listen to that author but that wasn't important.

What was important was the fact that it was the first (and last) time he'd said he wanted to be a girl.

He wasn't sure if he actually was a girl or not, but at that time he hadn't even considered not being a boy seriously.

He liked wearing a dress, and while he hated that he had to change his speech pattern, he liked everything else. Even the high pitched voice.

Of course he didn't show it. Mrs. Knight looked so shocked when he said he wanted to be born a girl. So obviously he was wrong.

Everything was just wrong...

But at least James was done now. Finally he could stop being who he was while being seen as an imposter.

It hurt less to pretend and have no one know, at least he was used to it.


	2. Chapter 2

James didn't mind wearing a dress, he was plenty secure in his masculinity. But goddamnit, he wanted to be Prom **King** not Prom Queen.

He might be comfortable with feminity and masculinity, but he knew his gender.

And was it really so unreasonable? He just wanted to win and have this one thing, but Kendall couldn't just let it be, huh?

Look, James loved the guy. And if it wasn't for Kendall, he wouldn't be living his dream life.

But still.

This was **his** dream but Kendall was the leader. And that stung.

He got all the girls. That stung.

(Logan was almost always stuck to him. And that stung. For some reason.)

So yes, this prom sucked. He didn't get to be Prom King (and really, it wasn't about winning, it was about proving himself. Either way he failed.)

Then again, Logan won and Kendall didn't.

And James got to spend time with Logan and Camille, which was always awesome.

Just, no one call him queen, please.

(Otherwise he'll break them.)


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes Logan felt like a predator.

He looked at James' body too much.

When he was shirtless by the pool, when he was sauntering around in skin tight jeans.

James didn't really mind being looked at. And Logan never touched him inappropriately (hell he touched James less often and in less places than others).

But he still felt like a predator.

He never felt like this with Camille.

And he knew it was because of heteronormativity. He knew it was because looking upon the "same" gender (or, well, alleged same gender) was treated as perverted and deviant.

His family wasn't homophobic, though he wasn't out to them. His friends knew he was bi and didn't care. He had online support groups.

But still, these sentiments were omnipresent. They seeped in.

And Carlos' words, well-meaning as they were, were enough to send him over the edge.

_Ding!_

_It was a message from Carlos._

_"Hey Logan,_

_Listen..._

_I get that James is super comfortable with his body. But like, we all should understand him and make him comfortable, not uncomfortable. Today when you were hugging him, he felt your hand wandering and he srsly froze up on the spot and I could tell that he wasnt okay with it, though he acted like he was. Listen, Logan, i trust you but like this isn't it sorry."_

_Logan stopped. He stared. And he started sobbing and panicking._

_He didn't mean to! But oh god this was proof! He was wrong, and all his friends must hate him now and he couldn't breathe!_

The incident was resolved quickly. Kendall knew that it was probably a mistake and comforted him. Carlos realized he had jumped the gun by accusing Logan and apologized. But really, he was just looking out for James.

What was really sad was that, though it was Logan's mistake, unintentional as it was, it was James who apologized. He probably saw how shaken up Logan was, but it wasn't fair on him. 

The worst part was, no one seemed to understand that this had brought out insecurities.

When he told Camille, she told him that of course his friends wouldn't hate him. But he knew that! They'd figured that part out already.

Camille was bi too, so he thought she would understand this. His own best friend had no problem believing that he was a molestor. And hurting his crush like this was his worst fear! But she didn't seem to understand.

He felt like a predator again.

With no one to confide in, he made a vow. He would never initiate touch with James again.


	4. Chapter 4

James felt sick. He could feel bile rising up his throat. He couldn't tell if the nausea was real or imagined, if he was sick or anxious. Sometimes he wondered if there was really a difference.

He'd always been confident, that wasn't an act. But fame was tough. He didn't know if it was too much or not enough.

Kendall was the heart of the band, the main singer. James was just, there. This was his dream and it had been stolen (and goddamnit he knew that he should be grateful, Kendall was practically a saint, but sometimes he couldn't help wishing that he could hate him).

On the other hand there was that, sexualisation. James was hot, and he knew it. But it's one thing to have teens, people his age find him attractive. Having adults view him as desirable? It was fucking with his head.

On top of all that, he was having mood swings. The others hadn't quite noticed, thinking he was just being dramatic (he didn't know if he was grateful for this or furious). He couldn't focus at all. Either he didn't want to sing at all, or he wanted to sing and also do a bunch of other things. His brain was a mess and he was praying for a public breakdown just so that he could get help (asking was just, too hard, they all would change their opinions).

They were one more weird thing going on. He couldn't recognise himself in the mirror half the time. He was feeling like he was in a simulation more and more often. He was also more self conscious.

He wasn't going to get an eating disorder (it just wasn't like him), but he was working out more and eating less. And he didn't know if he felt ugly, hot or like a ghost.

As half his breakfast came up his throat, James couldn't help feeling he was royally fucked.


End file.
